Wanted for Rape: Prince Charming

Posted on April 5, 2010 by Hypermark

Tracy Clark-Flory has written an interesting article over at Salon.com. In the article, Clark-Flory contemplates the difference between women reading/watching romance and men watching pornography (Yes, I know that porn is not the exclusive domain of men. However, romance novels, by and large, are consumed by women.)

Clark-Flory comes to the exact same conclusion that any sane bookseller eventually comes to: Romance novels are socially acceptable porn for women. I worked at a Waldenbooks for many years, and every month the same group of sad looking guys would come in and buy the latest issue of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler. And every month the same group of sad looking females would come in and buy the latest romance offerings from Harlequin and Silhouette. There were virtually no differences between the two groups.

I’d like to take Clark-Flory’s argument a step further. I think that the Romance novels are actually far more damaging than pornography. Pornography, by and large, is immediately identifiable as fantasy. Most reasonable people would be able distinguish between real people sex and porn star sex. However, romance fiction is not as easily identifiable, and even more concerning, it taps into and reinforces the gendered roles that have kept women as subordinates for centuries.

Let’s take the Cinderella story as an example because so many romance novels and movies follow the plot. Incidentally, this basic plot line dates back to the 1st century B.C. A young woman lives in an oppressive, abusive, or isolated environment. She feels misunderstood, unappreciated, and unloved–feelings that are quite common. Suddenly, a romantic and sensitive suitor comes along and falls madly in love with the woman. He’s rugged and manly, handsome, and chivalrous, and unlike everyone else around the woman, he recognizes the woman’s beauty and potential. He accepts where she came from, and he swoops her out of her lowly lifestyle and gives her a wonderful new life.

This type of fantasy insidiously reinforces the notion that women need to be rescued by men. The female never really initiates change in these stories, but rather waits on the male to change things for her. This fantasy also reinforces the notion that every person has a perfect mate out there just waiting to be found–the belief that everyone has a destined mate that is perfect, i.e. The One. As in, he’s the one, or she’s the one I’m meant to be with.

What an absolutely rubbish belief. With as many millions of people waltzing around this giant mudball of ours, the notion that each person only has one perfect mate is asinine. We shouldn’t think in terms of destiny but in terms of varying degrees of compatibility. Some might call this outlook cold, but love and varying degrees of compatibility aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s just that we should look at love as rationally as possible or realize we’re increasing the odds of heartbreak exponentially. For instance, if you’re in love with someone and you disagree about films, TV shows, religion, and politics, odds are good your relationship is going to be shit. Love that person all you want, but at the end of the day, you have nothing in common except some nebulous abstraction we humans have titled “love.”

I’ve been down the romantic “she’s the one” road that romance novels and films promise. It’s a road filled with potholes, deadends, and wrongturns.

As I wrote earlier in this post, porn, unlike romance fiction, is easily identifiable. From the costumes to the dialogue to the lighting, porn is nothing like reality. The differences between porn sex and real sex are like the differences between collegiate wresting and professional wrestling. Sure, collegiate wrestling is a great sport, and the competitors are highly passionate about what they’re doing, but not many people actually want to watch collegiate wrestling. It’s boring as hell. That’s real people sex.

But professional wrestling? Huge difference. There’s loud, bassy music that’s cheesy and awesome. The costumes are gaudy and sexy. The wrestling moves are exciting and damn near physically impossible to achieve without injury. That’s porn.

Now don’t get me wrong…I’m not trying to convince anyone that porn is harmless. It can be quite harmful, but so can just about anything in excess.  My point, rather, is that both romance novels and pornography are forms of escapism, but porn has been vilified while romance fiction has been, for the most part, ignored. Young adults are punished for possessing pornography, yet recent studies show that consumption of pornography does not lead to feelings of misogyny, sexual perversion, rape, or pedophilia. However, the very act of punishing young adults for possessing pornography, especially when coupled with religious fundamentalism, correlates quite highly with sexual depravity. Conversely, society not only condones, but, in many ways, encourages the unrealistic, romantic outlook of love.

Yet again our puritanical roots betray us. We shouldn’t worry so much about the sex. We should, however, be worried about Prince Charming. He’s a liar and a cheat, and quite possibly a serial rapist.

Categories: Literature, Movies | 1 Comment

Attention Hyperliterature Readers:

Posted on March 18, 2010 by Hypermark

Yesterday in southern New Jersey, a yet-to-be identified person used the Walmart P.A. system to make this announcement: “Attention, Walmart customers: All black people, leave the store now.”

Predictably, people are quite upset about this. The black community is calling for Walmart to apologize, the Walmart manager is claiming he has no idea who made the announcement, and Barack Obama is gearing up for another beer summit.

I really, really, really, hate to do this, but I gotta take Walmart’s side on this one. Don’t get me wrong–I hate Walmart. I mean I really, really hate Walmart.

But this probably wasn’t their fault. In fact, I’m pretty damn sure it wasn’t their fault. When I was younger, and more of a mischief-maker, we used to go into Walmart, Kmart, and Target specifically to find courtesy phones and announce things over the P.A. system. It was a hoot. Down a few beers, wander around the store, find a phone, and announce something like “Attention Walmart shoppers: All shoppers with children must leave the store because your little brats are demolishing the toy section. Or “Attention Target shoppers: Please refrain from farting in the checkout lines. It’s getting a bit cloudy up here.”

I have a feeling that something similar happened yesterday in Jersey. It’s getting pretty hard to pull this stunt because most newer stores no longer have the phones scattered throughout the store. Employees now carry walkie-talkies so there’s no need for them, but in the older stores you’ll still find those clunky old phones. If you pick up the receiver and start punching buttons, eventually you’ll access the P.A. system. Some stores were so dumb they actually had the P.A. marked on the phone.

As a reformed mischief-maker, I cannot condone this kind of behavior. And there is no way I would advocate the following:

1. Find an older dept. store that still has these kinds of phones.

2. Do a bit of recon: Walk around the store for a bit and identify the largest group of people in the store.

3. Go to the phone you’ve already scoped out and then make the following announcement: “Attention Walmart/Kmart/Target/Bells/JcPenny/Sears shoppers: All (choose one based on your initial reconnaissance: white, black, hispanic, asian, presbyterian, catholic, jewish, obese, skinny, toothless, flip-flop wearing, etc.) people must leave the store immediately. Don’t make us use mace. Thank you for your cooperation.”

4. Go to the front of the store and videotape the reactions.

5. Post reactions on YouTube.

6. LOL.

There’s no way I would advocate that kind of immature behavior. But if you do commit this heinous, deplorable crime, please post a link of your hilarious YouTube video in the comments section.

Categories: Jackassery | Leave a comment

Show Your Work

Posted on March 9, 2010 by Hypermark

I’m terrible at math. And by terrible, I mean that Albert Einstein could totally out-math me, and he’s been dead for fifty-five years*.

Several weeks ago, I was planning a dinner for myself, Leigh, and my mother. I wanted to make three 1/3 lb. burgers, and I found myself flummoxed at how to calculate the amount of ground beef I needed. I texted my friend Tank, and he replied with a single line of text: “Is this a trick?”

Last week, a student corrected me on my math in the middle of a lecture. I had asked the students to complete an exercise wherein they needed to find argumentative claims in a particular set of readings. I asked them to find three definitional claims, three causal claims, three resemblance claims, and three evaluation claims. As I was finishing up my lecture, I told them, “After you’ve found your nine claims,” and as soon as I said that, a student yelled out “Twelve. Three and three and three and three make twelve.”

I doubt I could identify a causal chain of events that would explain why I’m an utter math failure. It’s more realistic to say that there were probably many different variables in the equation that equals me being a math-dummy. Granted, I have had some truly atrocious math teachers. My first math class in high school was taught by a coach, and he obviously wished to be anywhere but in a room with a group of degenerates teaching math. He let us completely run wild. We would cheat on tests right in front of him, and he never said a word. Our classroom was on the second floor, and one day, while our “teacher” was in the room, we wrote “BITCH” in big, bold letters on a sheet of notebook paper, and then we tied that piece of notebook paper to a long string. We then lowered it down to the window of the classroom below us, so that the much reviled Spanish teacher would know exactly what we thought of her.

With the benefit of hindsight, combined with my experience of actually teaching, I feel pretty confident that my former teachers weren’t the whole problem. No, my biggest problem was that in grammar school, I was smart enough that I didn’t really need to work to make good grades. I got straight “A”s without ever having to open a book. Thus, I never actually learned the basics of mathematics because I never had to learn them.

And now I find myself asking for help on problems as simple as 1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3.

As a young student, nothing bugged me quite as much as having a teacher tell me to “show your work.” I heard that all the time. Show your work. Show your work. I hated hearing that because I didn’t understand why I needed to go through the trouble of writing out every step in a long division problem if I already knew the answer. I always felt that “show your work” was just a way to keep the students busy or a way to combat against cheating.

This is a small digression, but one that I think is important. As an undergraduate at Baylor, I became highly active with the karate club, and my participation in the karate club remains one of the few fond memories I have of Baylor. It probably helps that I met my wife in the there, but also, the experiences I had with the club are still informing my outlook on life.

One of the many things that James Melton, my late karate instructor, taught me was that a student doesn’t ever truly understand a particular thing until he or she is able to teach that thing to another student. I might be able execute a particular move well, but until I can explain how I execute that move I probably don’t understand it as well as I could.

I ran up against this little pedagogical peccadillo when I began teaching writing. I found that while I knew what a grammatical sentence looked like, I didn’t know how to explain why it was grammatical. This is why that many ESL students perform quite well in grammar classes and why native speaking students will oftentimes perform poorly in them. An ESL student has probably learned English by memorizing grammatical/mechanical constructions and verb conjugation, while the native speaker just speaks without actually understanding how his or her language actually works.

Now, as a math student, I either wasn’t taught why I needed to show my work, or I never understood the principle. Students don’t need to show their work to prove they haven’t been cheating, although that is certainly a valid, if not Big Brothery, reason. No, the students need to be able to show their work so that they understand the material. A student will never truly know something until they’re able to successfully teach that thing to another person, and having students show their work provides them with a way to “teach” the material without having to actually talk to another person.

*In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m willing to admit that I had to use the calculator to subtract 1955 from 2010.

Categories: Teaching | 4 Comments

Hypermark -vs- Small Town High School Computer Teacher

Posted on February 18, 2010 by Hypermark

On more than one occasion I’ve written about my hometown on this blog. Before you begin this post, you might want have a look at the “Texaspecific” section of the blog for a little primer on the interesting location that is my hometown. This post “Small Town Values” might be of particular interest. Doing so might help explain some of my behavior that I’m about to relate.

Several weeks ago, I befriended an old high school teacher on Facebook. I can count on one hand the number of teachers I had in high school I actually liked and respected. Actually, I can count on three fingers, but this guy I was actually pretty indifferent about. He didn’t really teach all that much. At least not my class. Each morning when I would walk into his class, I would literally crawl under a desk and go to sleep. I am not making that up. He would also wake me up when “class” was over. He never hassled me or my friends, so I never really had anything bad to say about him.

So anyway, a few weeks ago I added him as a friend on Facebook. After I added him, I started noticing that a large majority of his status updates were basically FoxNews talking points. And not halfway normal FoxNews. Steve Doocy and Glenn Beck FoxNews. This concerned me–not because I actually gave a shit about what he thought, but because he had added some of his students as Facebook friends.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll admit that I have quite a few former students as Facebook friends. However, nearly all of them I added after they had finished my classes. Also, I deal with college students that actually need to be bombarded with multiple opposing viewpoints. The students in my former high school are not intellectually mature enough to distinguish between rational arguments and demagoguery. They need to be taught skepticism and rationalism. My former teacher represented an intellectual authority figure, and it irritated me that he would be so cavalier with his radical political and religious positions.

But I kept my mouth shut. I really did.

For a little while.

Then, after the disaster in Haiti, he posted an update that basically stated the disaster was punishment from God, and that we should all prepare for the Heavenly disasters that would surely follow. Then he quoted a couple of lines of nonsense from Revelation.

That shit was the last straw.

I spent several hours writing a response that I hoped would provide everyone that had read his insanity with a rational, fairly neutral view of the Haitian earthquake. I respectfully pointed out the mistake of accepting Revelation as literal truth, and at the end of my post I encouraged everyone to donate $10 via the 90999 cell phone texting option.

Again, I was as conciliatory and respectful as I could be. Leigh couldn’t believe I could even be that nice. My friend Tank concurred, and they both urged me to be much more forceful, yet I resisted the urge.

I would like to provide all my readers with a copy of that post so you can see just how fair I was, but a few hours later, the cowardly motherfucker deleted the whole thing, and I was too stupid not to save a local copy.

At that point, I made it my goal to try and provide his Facebook friends with a counter point to every loony status update he posted. I figured one of three things would happen: 1) He would engage me in debate. This is what I hoped would happen. 2) He would delete every status update I commented on. This is what I figured would happen. 3) He would defriend me. This is what happened.

Yesterday, he posted a snarky status update about Obama’s plan to fund nuclear energy. I really didn’t find his comment that interesting, and I was going to leave it alone because I’d already commented on one of his updates this week (I was planning to go with one a week). But at the aggressive encouraging of a friend who shall remain nameless, I wrote up a comment. What follows is the transcript of that interaction:

Former Teacher: I’m confused … After 30 YEARS of crying horrible against it, why is it all of a sudden OK to build nuke power plants?

One of his Facebook friends: because our pres doesnt care..

Former Teacher: Next they’ll be telling us something like ‘Know what? We need to drill for oil right here in the good ol’ USA. Its good for jobs!

Me: I would have thought that someone who is presumably invested and interested in technology would know a little something about the tech surrounding these subjects.

Guess not.

1. Obama said he would begin funding research into nuclear energy during his campaign, so this isn’t a surprise to anyone that half-way paid attention during the campaign.

2. There are three main reasons why we haven’t explored nuclear energy since the 70s: A. It’s not all that efficient. The power needed to produce a nuclear reaction, which then in turn heats up water, is an enormous amount. The energy derived from the boiling water barely offsets the power needed to create the nuclear reaction. It’s only in the past few years that technology has made nuclear reactors more efficient. B. During the 80s, Three-Mile Island and Chernobyl were still fresh in our minds, scaring us away from Nuclear power. Bush never pursued nuclear because the Bush family has been in bed with the Saudis for at least 30 years, and a nuclear program would cut into the bottom line of Royal Saudi Family.

3. Nuclear power plants take long time to build. It takes at least 10 years to build one, and if current projections hold true, that’s time wasted that we do not have. Also, nuclear power plants are centralized, which anyone who’s ever had a hard drive crash knows, is a bad thing, indeed. It’s safer, in many aspects, to have a decentralized grid. It’s also more energy efficient.

4. I can’t imagine why a well-informed person would advocate more drilling, unless of course that person is simply following a party line. Again, for someone interested in technology, the fact that we’re so reliant on the internal combustion engine and its derivates is embarrassing. The technology for our cars is almost 150 years old. That is utterly pathetic. The only reason for the stagnation of technology is money–vast sums of money acquired by the oil compaines, car manufactuers, and politicians. If a politican is promoting the idea of additional drilling it’s because he or she is benefitting financially from the oil companies.

It boggles the mind why this is even a political issue. We need to be the best there is at what we do, and right now, the way we produce energy is abysmal. But I guess chants of “Drill Baby Drill” are more compelling than facts and data. Better to look cute and make money than to do what’s efficient and logical.

Former Teacher: Hmm…. I guess no one has told the French how dangerous their nuke plants are. As someone who is presumably invested and interested in technology, I note that the French rely almost entirely on their nuclear power plants. Instead of spending zillions on research, maybe we should simply buy the needed technology from the them.

Me: I’d be fine with that. If you notice, I never mentioned anything about their safety. I only mentioned that after the accidents experienced previously, we, as a nation, were a bit gun-shy about nuclear energy.

Former Teacher: Or better yet, maybe ignorant, ill-informed fools like me that only know what they hear from right-wing talk show hosts should just shut up and let people that only know what they hear from left-wing media sources do all the talking.

Me: This shouldn’t be a left-wing or right-wing issue. And I never resorted to ad hominem; although, I do think that talk show hosts, on both sides of the spectrum, are directly and indirectly damaging our country for ratings and money.

One of his Facebook friends: See I didnt vote for Obama any ways so it doesnt help me much…

Another one of his Facebook friends: There ought to be a less dangerous, more effective way to get energy !!

Me: For a engaging argument on the pros and cons of nuclear energy see : http://www.reddit.com/r/environment/comments/b3535/im_pronuclear_because_these_are_the_only/

Former Teacher: Unfortunately, what Prez BO is proposing has very little more behind it than politics.

Me: I totally agree. It’s a ploy to try to get the neo-cons to sign off on an energy bill. The mistake Obama is making is assuming the neo-cons would in any way be willing to work with him. They won’t, and they never will because party is more important to the neo-cons than the state of our country.

Unfortunately, Obama’s past as a community organizer and an academic are actually hurting him. He’s engaging the neo-cons as if logical discourse means anything to them. It doesn’t. He should ram this stuff through while he has the political power, but instead, he’s treating them like rational adults, which means nothing is getting done.

Former Teacher: I have to admit at this point that I’ve been deliberately baiting you, Mark, to get an idea of just how far left your social and political persuasions lie. It’s only fair then that I reciprocate. My political and social beliefs in most areas are very conservative, especially on economic issues. I want the government to do what the Constitution specifically allows/instructs it to do and, after that, stay the heck out of everything else.

I believe firmly that our country is in the hands of a rogue government that is dangerous and is interested only in advancing its leftist-socialist agenda and in solidifying its power base. I am also firmly convinced that the main-stream media is its willing partner, patsy, and accomplice.
It appears, Mark, that I have little to share with you in the arena of ideas that we could any semblance of agreement on. Apparently, the reverse is true as well.

Me: I think you’re making too bold of an assumption about how “left” I actually am. I’m actually greatly upset the GOP has been hijacked by the looniest bunch of people in our country. We need rational discourse on policy and not catchphrases meant to get airtime on MSNBC and FOXnews.

And I’m talking less to you than to the students you’ve added as friends. To be quite honest, I couldn’t care less about what you believe, but in the small town of Aquilla, you’re an authority figure. Those students need to know that your point of view is a radical, and exclusionary one. They need to hear the opposing viewpoint.

Former Teacher: Let us agree to have no further discussions between us two about social or political issues. If I understand you correctly, that means we will have very little at all to say to each other henceforth. Goodbye. Good luck.

So finally, after all that, he simply deleted the post and defriended me. Luckily, I had a feeling he would do that, so I made sure to save transcripts.

I want to reemphasize that I don’t give a shit what that guy thinks. At the end, he ended up admitting to buying into conspiracy theories, and I know that there’s no reason to even engage a fanatic in rational discourse. It just grinds my gears that he was so cowardly and insecure about his own rhetorical position that he immediately deleted the post.

What an absolute fucking coward.

Categories: Texaspecific | Leave a comment

Highs and Lows

Posted on February 9, 2010 by Hypermark

Teaching is an interesting profession. Some days are really boring. After so many years, I’ve pretty much memorized my lectures, so much so that I’ve even got all my dumb jokes memorized. All I need to do is glance at my syllabus to see what day it is, and I can ramble on for over fifty minutes on auto-pilot. I’ll be lecturing over classic argument structure or comma splices, or something to do with writing, but in my head I’m actually thinking about Mass Effect or hamburgers or old Richard Pryor bits.

But other days can be quite interesting. Those are the days that make teaching fun. Exhausting, but fun.

Take yesterday, for example.

Yesterday we were reading the beginning chapter of Carl Sagan’s book The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark. It’s the book Sagan finished right before he died, and it’s all about skepticism and the dangers of anti-intellectualism and pseudoscience. Today I had two extreme reactions to the reading.

In my classes, I have students keep a reading journal. For each reading we have, I ask them to write a journal entry over the reading as a way to develop their thoughts. I really don’t care what they write, just as long as they write about the reading. It’s simply a completion grade, and I don’t really even read them.

Today a young man brought me his journal, and I almost began crying as I was reading it. He had written nearly two pages, and the gist of his entry was that he came from a highly religious, fundamentalist family and, he felt ashamed and embarrassed that he no longer believed the religion of his upbringing. He spent the entire entry writing about how much it meant to him to discover that there were other people out there, brilliant people no less, that had the same problems with religion as he did. He kept writing how glad he was to have been in the class and how much better he felt about his life.

It was extremely moving, and I felt privileged that he had felt comfortable enough in my class to share that with me. I’m serious when I say I had to consciously keep myself from tearing up.

That was in the morning.

In the afternoon, I managed to completely enrage about ten people, all in different classes, almost to the point of violence. If we had been in a bar, I would have been in a fist-fight. As I wrote earlier, we were reading Sagan’s book about skepticism, and during the discussion we addressed pseudoscience. I asked the students what they thought about the Thomas Gray quote “Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise,” in regards to things like homeopathy and acupuncture.

I had no idea so many people were taken in with nonsense-bullshit like homeopathy and acupuncture. Good lord. I spent the majority of three classes–I’ll repeat that: THREE CLASSES–trying to understand how these students could buy into something that’s been proven time and again to be utter flim-flam.

One student said, “My parents spend about $300 dollars a month on homeopathic medicine. Are you calling them stupid?”

Calm down–I didn’t say “yes.” I didn’t tell him that I thought his parents were dumber than dirt. I thought it. But I didn’t say it.

Yesterday was fun, but the emotional wave and trough of the day was exhausting, and after work I felt like I had ran a marathon. Hopefully on Wednesday I can turn the auto-pilot back on.

Categories: Teaching | 3 Comments

Forget the Hearse ‘Cause I Never Die

Posted on January 29, 2010 by Hypermark

I try to remain a calm and reasonable person. I really do.

I try not to call people “fuckwits” or “idiotic shitheads.” Well, at least not to their faces. It’s hard sometimes, but I try to keep my mouth shut.

For one thing, I have ulcers, so getting all worked up isn’t really that good for my health. I also have jaw problems, so getting all annoyed and grinding my teeth isn’t that smart, either. For another, most of the time there’s not a lot I can do about things that piss me off, so I spin my wheels for nothing.

But then I read something like the 2004 poll by Gallup that demonstrates that nearly a full third of American’s don’t understand the theory of evolution and that 45% of Americans are Creationists, and I have to find a piece of leather to bite down on so I don’t shatter my TMJ like the T-1000 at the end of T2. What’s that? You say you disagree with the methodology used by Gallup in that poll? You claim their wording of the questions pushes people to choose science over religion, which is intellectually dishonest? Fine. Fair enough, although the polls conducted by Pew really aren’t any more encouraging.

No matter what poll you read, it goes without saying that the level of misinformation and ignorance about evolution and the distrust in science in our country is sad, pathetic, and, ultimately, enraging.

And I really don’t understand the distrust part because science is pretty damn exciting. Take this article, for instance. A group of paleontologists are on the verge of not only definitely proving that the dinosaur Sinosauropteryx had feathers, but revealing the colors of the feathers as well. That’s pretty damn sweet. We’ll not only have one of the first fossilized examples of how and when the divergence between dinosaurs and birds began, but we’ll know if Sinosauropteryx had beautiful plumage, too! Bonus.

Of course, 45% of Americans believe that God created the Earth in its present form about 6,500 years ago, so they think this kind of discovery is simply another example of the scientific community have a laugh.

Don’t worry…this post isn’t about “proving” evolution. It’s already been proven above and beyond any reasonable doubt by folks much, much smarter than me. Evolution is so foundational to things like chemistry, biology, archeology, physics, germ theory, embryology, and so on, that they would simply fall apart without it. The question “do you believe in evolution” is a false dichotomy because belief infers a certain amount of uncertainty of existence. Either you understand evolution or you don’t–much like understanding the theory of gravity or the theory of relativity or the theory of thermodynamics. Evolution exists and has occurred, and consequently, it’s still occurring, and it damn sure doesn’t need your or my approval.

No, this post is about the idiotic shitheads and fuckwits who refuse to even attempt to understand evolution because of some religious belief. And yes, I’m mainly attacking Christians here–not because I dislike Christains but mostly because I understand Christianity. In the U.K. the fuckwits and idiotic shitheads are mostly Muslim. I’d attack the Muslims too, but I simply haven’t found the time to learn Arabic so that I can read their holy book. I’m not so invested in being disgusted with a group of people that I’m willing to learn another language to demonstrate my disgust. I got video games to play, people.

First off, to the people who think the world is only 6,500 years old: Would you all mind moving somewhere else? Preferably an island closed off and out of reach from any other landmass? And one the rest of can monitor closely but without your knowledge? (I’m into ironic imprisonment)

Or if you don’t want to move, how about trying to understand your holy book a little bit better? You might start with the historicity surrounding Genesis. Any grade school student with half a brain can see that God creates the world twice at the beginning of the book. He does so first in seven days and then he does it again all in one go. Sounds like poor story-telling, doesn’t it? Wanna know why there are two creations? It’s because Genesis is a hodgepodge of at least three independently written books that early Jews combined into its current for sometime around 500 B.C. There are two accounts of creation in the book, and each account has a separate author. Talk to any Jewish person and they’ll tell you that Genesis is an extended metaphor of creation not to be taken literally.

They’ve had a lot more time with the book, so you fundamentalists might wanna listen.

So you have a choice: Choose to believe in an account of human history that is based on an old Jewish mixtape, or have a listen to peer-reviewed scientists ranging from physicists to chemists.

Personally, I’m going with the good folks that brought us pasteurization, the heliocentric theory of our universe, the vaccine for polio, the light bulb, streaming internet pornography, the theory of genetics, and the MRI machine. If you want to go with the people that brought you Jonah and the whale and Angels raping humans then go right ahead, but keep your ridiculous fucking beliefs out of our schools and politics.

One last thing–there’s been a disturbing trend lately of Creationists, dipshits like Ray Comfort and Michael Behe, trying to appropriate and mis-use science to prove their dumbass hypotheses. First off, they never allow anyone to peer review their work, which is the antithesis of science, so no matter how scientisty they sound, they aren’t scientists. Second off, you can’t prove faith. If you have faith in God then you believe he exits without evidence. That’s what the word “faith” means. It’s a belief in something in spite of the absence of empirical evidence. If you’re searching for evidence of God then you don’t have faith. Just deal with it. Seek out a help group, have a couple of shots of Jack Daniels, go fishing, or whatever, but don’t misuse and pervert science to cover-up for your lack of faith in the religion you chose.
Categories: Politics | 1 Comment

Tranny Revenge

Posted on June 30, 2009 by Hypermark

If there’s one thing I’ve learned this summer, it’s that I’m apparently not appropriately masculine.

In hindsight, I’ve probably possessed this deficiency for quite some time, but the release of Bay’s “movie,” “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” has made my lack of testosterone blatantly obvious.

I feel I should elaborate:

I thought the first “Transformers” movie (no, not this one. I love that one) was an egregious piece of shit. Story-wise the movie was an illogical mess, the performances were absolute rubbish, and because Bay is an ADHD sufferer who self-medicates with methamphetamine, the film direction and editing was so manic that during the fight scenes I couldn’t tell the Transformers apart. The single, solitary saving grace of the first film was Peter Cullen, but since Bay obviously doesn’t understand: 1) Prime shouldn’t be painted like a fucking 1960s dragster; 2) Other than combiner Transformers, Prime is one of the most powerful and combat savvy Cybertronian warriors around, and thus, he shouldn’t get his ASS KICKED every time he fights; I was unable to even enjoy Cullen’s performance.

Fast-forward to this summer. “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” (henceforth will be referred to as “Tranny Revenge”), is premiering in the theaters. People ask me if I’m going to go see it. I unequivocally say “no.” They look surprised and ask “why.” I say: “Because the first film made me want to use the Ultimate Nullifer to erase my childhood so that I don’t even remember the original Transformers cartoon.” The inevitable reply: “Yeah, the story might have sucked, but Megan Fox is sooo hawt!”

The assumption here, I suspect, is that I should be so manly that I would want to go see a film because the woman in it is so damn attractive that I’ll forget the awfulness occurring on the screen around her. Don’t get me wrong, Megan Fox is hot in a pornstar-going-mainstream kinda way, but if she can’t do anything interesting besides stand around and look hot, well, I’m going to stop kidding myself and just get a porno flick. That whole “WOW SHE’S SO GORGEOUS” thing only lasts for about a minute. Then the actress needs to start acting.

There’s a whole list of movies besides “Tranny Revenge” my lack of manliness caused me to dislike: “Tomb Raider.” “Fantastic Four.” “Catwoman.” Anything with Lindsay Lohan. “The Deep.” “Into the Blue.” Those are just off the top of my head. I’m sure there are a lot more.

I guess story-driven action films like the Harry Potter series, “The Dark Knight,” “The Matrix,” “Iron Man,” and others, have emasculated me to the degree that stripper boobies and silicone lip injections no longer lull me into complacency. More’s the pity.

Do youself a favor and skip Bay’s “film.” Sure, you’ll miss stellar performances, like this, from Shia. And you won’t see Megan Fox. But with that time and money you save you’ll be able to buy a six-pack of beer and enjoy a decent “Transformers” movie. You can always download porn afterwards if that’s what you’re after.

Categories: Movies | 2 Comments

Hypercooking- BBQ Chicken Edition

Posted on June 26, 2009 by Hypermark

Summer officially began on June 21th, but it’s been summery-hot since April here in San Antonio. Grilling and BBQing are intrinsically tied to summer, so I thought for this Hypercooking episode I’d take the camera outside. This go-round I’m covering BBQ chicken, but I also talk a bit about grill basics, BBQ sauces, BBQ rubs, and the difference between gas and charcoal grills.

If you take nothing from this video, remember this: grilling and bbqing should be social events. Standing over a fire cooking food should be a spectacle. Practice a few times and then have a party (don’t get too drunk until you finish cooking). Cook with flair. Have some drinks. Tell some jokes. Share good, homecooked food with your close friends. Don’t pay a restaurant for the privledge helping you and your loved ones create memories. You can do that yourself, with much better food, in your very own backyard.

Quick clarification: BBQing is when low, indirect heat cooks the food over a long period of time. Usually there is smoking involved with this process. Grilling is simply cooking over a grill. In this episode I use the terms pretty much interchangeably, and I realize that will irritate some people. Sorry.

During this episode, I mention Chef Todd Mohr’s YouTube cooking show “Cooking Coarse.” This is the episode I was referencing. I highly recommend watching Chef Todd’s other episodes, as they are all excellent.

Also, this is the basic ingredient list I used for my BBQ Rub. Feel free to adjust it to your taste (mine is fairly spicy).

1/4 cup dark brown sugar
3 tbs black pepper
3 tbs kosher salt (only use kosher; if you use table salt you will have to adjust the volume)
1 tbs hickory smoked kosher salt
2 tbs sweet paprika
2 tbs Hungarian paprika
2 tsp garlic powder
2 tsp onion powder
2 tsp celery seeds
2 tsp cayenne pepper

This will keep for a couple of months without degrading in flavor. Keep it in a Mason Jar with holes punched in the top for easy shaking. To store, simply put some plastic wrap over the top of the jar, screw on the top, and put your rub in your pantry.

Special thanks go out to Leigh, who helped me film the last portion of this ep.

Categories: Hypercooking | 1 Comment

My Bleedin’ Picasso

Posted on June 11, 2009 by Hypermark

While Leigh and I were in Las Vegas last month, we stopped by Centaur Art Galleries, which is something we try to do anytime we’re in Sin City.

Up until this year we’ve been able to refrain from actually purchasing anything.

This year they got us. Big time.

Here’s our Picasso. Be sure to click for the larger image.

The painting is titled “L’araignée,” which means “The Spider.” Here’s the story behind this painting, which I swiped from this website:

A series of 31 prints, considered to be among Picasso’s most
important graphic productions, of animals, birds, and insects. Picasso
created these images from 1936 to accompany the classic natural history
text by the French naturalist Georges-Louis Leclerc Buffon (1749-1788)…These stunning
images are of animals, birds and insects. They illustrate a series of
books dating from about 1750 to 1800 called the Histoire Naturelle. The
books were written by Georges-Louis Leclerc, later known as Comte de
Buffon. The books describe the entire natural world…The
thirty-one prints took Picasso just a month to complete. Picasso used
creatures he remembered from his childhood, and animals from the zoo
and the circus. He was particularly fascinated by the pigeon, Spanish
bull and cockerel. He treated each animal individually using different
artistic techniques. The prints were published in 1942.

There are 226 editions of this painting in existence, and only 31 of those editions contain an additional suite of aquatints. We have one of those 31. Additionally, Picasso wrote the title of the painting with his own hand at the bottom of our edition.

For the art nerds out there, this link will take you to the entry for L’araignée at the On-Line Picasso Project from Texas A & M University.

Categories: Blogging | 1 Comment

What’s Pissing Me Off Now?

Posted on April 14, 2009 by Hypermark

Since last night’s Daily Show was a rerun, I took the free thirty minute period to write up a “What’s Pissing Me Off Now?” post. So, what’s pissing me off, you may ask?

1. Sexting pisses me off. You say don’t know what “sexting” is? Well, sexting is a portmanteau of “sex” and “texting,” and the practice consists of texting someone, preferably a significant other and not a casual acquaintance, a nude photo of yourself. As I understand it, sexting has become quite popular with high school age adolescents.

Why is this practice pissing me off? Because, when these hot and bothered sexters get caught sexting, the authorities are bringing them up on child pornography charges for sending nude photos of minors. And the nude photos are photos of their own nude bodies. And they’re minors themselves. And they’re sending these photos to other minors. Yeah. I don’t get it either. I always thought “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine” was a rite of passage and not a federal crime.

Leave this poor kids alone, dammit! They want to see nudity, just exactly like every teenager that has ever lived has wanted to do. So what if they’re using cell phones to swap nude photos of themselves like collectors of X-rated high school baseball cards. Got her, need her, need’em, got’em. At least they’re sending photos of each other and not exchanging videos of vomit-inducing rubbish like 2 Girls 1 Cup, which, ironically, is what adults trade back and forth.

2. “Tea Parties” are really, really pissing me off. Select groups of people who disagree with the President’s stimulus package are meeting in various cities to stage “Tea Parties” in protest. If you happen to live in Sacramento, Washington D.C., Georgia, or San Antonio, you are in luck, my friend! That’s right, Fox News is sending Neil Cavuto, Greta Van Sustern, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck to liven up the events of the Tea Parties in those respective cities. Us San Antonioians are particularly lucky, as the mighty Glenn Beck will appear in our fair city. Maybe he’ll burst into tears, trip and fall off the Riverwalk, and drown in the San Antonio River during the event.

I’m all in favor of protests, especially violent ones, but I can’t describe how fucking stupid I find these things. First off, has Fox News finally abandoned the absurd notion that it’s even semi-serious about the whole journalism thing? Because their support and organization of these idiotic soirees is by no means fair nor balanced. I mean, I’m fine with Fox outright abandoning the illusion that what they do is unbiased, they’re about as three dimensional as Alfred E. Newman to begin with, but don’t pretend to have journalistic integrity and then help advertise and pay for protests.

Second, do the people participating in these events even understand what the actual Boston Tea Party was about? The goofy fuckers protesting will most likely benefit from the crap in the stimulus bill, so that part is nothing like the Boston Tea Party. Also, the mantra during the Boston Tea Party was “No Taxation Without Representation.” Current day Partiers, you are represented in our government. So again, another fail.

Also, and I’m pretty sure of this, the original Tea Partiers weren’t even citizens of the United States–mainly because the United States DIDN’T EXIST YET! They were citizens of the British Crown protesting unfair taxing by King George. These current day shitheads might as well be burning effigies of Guy Fawkes while they’re at their Tea Parties.

Now, protesting rising taxes might be something that the modern Partiers have in common with our ancestors. I stress might because every colonist experienced unfair taxing practices by the Crown, but right now the only people getting that 2% tax increase are folks making well over a hundred grand a year. So I suppose if everyone at these Tea Parties is making that much then at least they have that in common with the Boston Tea Partiers. If they make under that amount…well, they should probably just shut the fuck up.

These Tea Parties are nothing more than a rhetorically manipulative ploy by rich, white people, motivated by capitalist greed, to rally and enrage average citizens to their defense by tapping into an event that said citizens don’t even understand. The new “Woodstock” concerts were the same damn thing. Those concerts were filled with dipshits that had no idea about what the original Woodstock was about. Hopefully these stupid Tea Parties will turn out just like Woodstock 99.

3. Plagiarism really, really, really pisses me off. On March 24th, I posted an extended fart joke in lieu of an actual post. The second comment on that post was from “unknown,” and it was ironic, hilarious, and totally awesome.

And then Tank, my hetero-lifemate, conducted a little journalistic research and discovered the comment had been cut and pasted from a “Best of Craigslist.”

My disappointment was palatable.

That was an update on the things that are pissing me off. I hope you enjoyed it. I know I feel better.

Categories: Jackassery | 4 Comments

Proudly powered by WordPress Theme: Adventure Journal by Contexture International.