Forget the Hearse ‘Cause I Never Die

I try to remain a calm and reasonable person. I really do.

I try not to call people “fuckwits” or “idiotic shitheads.” Well, at least not to their faces. It’s hard sometimes, but I try to keep my mouth shut.

For one thing, I have ulcers, so getting all worked up isn’t really that good for my health. I also have jaw problems, so getting all annoyed and grinding my teeth isn’t that smart, either. For another, most of the time there’s not a lot I can do about things that piss me off, so I spin my wheels for nothing.

But then I read something like the 2004 poll by Gallup that demonstrates that nearly a full third of American’s don’t understand the theory of evolution and that 45% of Americans are Creationists, and I have to find a piece of leather to bite down on so I don’t shatter my TMJ like the T-1000 at the end of T2. What’s that? You say you disagree with the methodology used by Gallup in that poll? You claim their wording of the questions pushes people to choose science over religion, which is intellectually dishonest? Fine. Fair enough, although the polls conducted by Pew really aren’t any more encouraging.

No matter what poll you read, it goes without saying that the level of misinformation and ignorance about evolution and the distrust in science in our country is sad, pathetic, and, ultimately, enraging.

And I really don’t understand the distrust part because science is pretty damn exciting. Take this article, for instance. A group of paleontologists are on the verge of not only definitely proving that the dinosaur Sinosauropteryx had feathers, but revealing the colors of the feathers as well. That’s pretty damn sweet. We’ll not only have one of the first fossilized examples of how and when the divergence between dinosaurs and birds began, but we’ll know if Sinosauropteryx had beautiful plumage, too! Bonus.

Of course, 45% of Americans believe that God created the Earth in its present form about 6,500 years ago, so they think this kind of discovery is simply another example of the scientific community have a laugh.

Don’t worry…this post isn’t about “proving” evolution. It’s already been proven above and beyond any reasonable doubt by folks much, much smarter than me. Evolution is so foundational to things like chemistry, biology, archeology, physics, germ theory, embryology, and so on, that they would simply fall apart without it. The question “do you believe in evolution” is a false dichotomy because belief infers a certain amount of uncertainty of existence. Either you understand evolution or you don’t–much like understanding the theory of gravity or the theory of relativity or the theory of thermodynamics. Evolution exists and has occurred, and consequently, it’s still occurring, and it damn sure doesn’t need your or my approval.

No, this post is about the idiotic shitheads and fuckwits who refuse to even attempt to understand evolution because of some religious belief. And yes, I’m mainly attacking Christians here–not because I dislike Christains but mostly because I understand Christianity. In the U.K. the fuckwits and idiotic shitheads are mostly Muslim. I’d attack the Muslims too, but I simply haven’t found the time to learn Arabic so that I can read their holy book. I’m not so invested in being disgusted with a group of people that I’m willing to learn another language to demonstrate my disgust. I got video games to play, people.

First off, to the people who think the world is only 6,500 years old: Would you all mind moving somewhere else? Preferably an island closed off and out of reach from any other landmass? And one the rest of can monitor closely but without your knowledge? (I’m into ironic imprisonment)

Or if you don’t want to move, how about trying to understand your holy book a little bit better? You might start with the historicity surrounding Genesis. Any grade school student with half a brain can see that God creates the world twice at the beginning of the book. He does so first in seven days and then he does it again all in one go. Sounds like poor story-telling, doesn’t it? Wanna know why there are two creations? It’s because Genesis is a hodgepodge of at least three independently written books that early Jews combined into its current for sometime around 500 B.C. There are two accounts of creation in the book, and each account has a separate author. Talk to any Jewish person and they’ll tell you that Genesis is an extended metaphor of creation not to be taken literally.

They’ve had a lot more time with the book, so you fundamentalists might wanna listen.

So you have a choice: Choose to believe in an account of human history that is based on an old Jewish mixtape, or have a listen to peer-reviewed scientists ranging from physicists to chemists.

Personally, I’m going with the good folks that brought us pasteurization, the heliocentric theory of our universe, the vaccine for polio, the light bulb, streaming internet pornography, the theory of genetics, and the MRI machine. If you want to go with the people that brought you Jonah and the whale and Angels raping humans then go right ahead, but keep your ridiculous fucking beliefs out of our schools and politics.