Screech’s Adult Movie: Or, How I Learned To Stop Retching And Close My Eyes

Celebrity news doesn’t really interest me, unless of course it’s bad celebrity news. Then I’m all over it.

I’m not sure if this qualifies as bad news or not, but Dustin Diamond, he who played “Screech” on the insufferably saccharine “Saved By The Bell,” is starring in a soon-to-be released porno.

Yeah. Let that sink in for a second.

On a list of people from “Saved by the Bell” that I’d like to see in a porno, Screech rates right underneath Mr. Belding. I remember right before “Showgirls” premiered in theaters everyone was all a twitter because Elizabeth “Jessie” Berkley was not only naked in it, but stripper-naked. And by that I mean not just appearing in a few fleeting scenes sans clothing, but shaking her nudity all over the screen as often as possible. I think we all remember what a let-down that was, don’t we? The novelty of nudity wears off pretty damn fast, and at least Berkeley had the advantage of beauty on her side. That made the excitement of watching her “adult” movie last for, oh, I don’t know, three maybe four minutes?

Unfortunately, Mr. Diamond does not possess that advantage.

Rumor has it that Mr. Diamond, who by the way, already has an awesome porn-name, performs the dreaded and much maligned “Dirty Sanchez” on one of the unlucky women in the video. And yes, Screech has two women in the video, which clearly illustrates that fame is a more potent aphrodisiac than Spanish Fly.

I can sense some of you wondering, “But Mark, we don’t know what a ”˜Dirty Sanchez’ is. Will you explain it to us?”

No. I most certainly will not. There are certain lines even I do not feel comfortable crossing, and that’s one of them. I will, however, link to the Urban Dictionary definition of “Dirty Sanchez,” but click that link at your discretion. Don’t worry, it’s a normal dictionary entry and there aren’t any dirty pictures or anything. The words alone are enough.

You will never look at Screech the same way. You’ve been warned.